On the Run

Nineteen on Ninety

2012-02-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

Just because I'm friendly with you doesn't mean we're friends. Just because I can be polite and will listen to a student doesn't mean I am unable to keep my distance. Just because I don't scold people first and listen later doesn't mean I'm immature.

I choose to be the way I am with much reason and forethought. You should respect it because I respect whatever it is that you do, no matter how different we are.

Just a thought.

Happy Birthday, Bloggy.

2012-01-30T22:14:00.003+08:00

So... this blog is six years old. I must say that of the many things that have flowed in and out of my life, this is a constant that I am very thankful for. I remember the first design it had - one of those lame templates and the strange range I cycled through to get to this one. I wonder if there should ever come a time that I will have to leave this place.

In other news, we have progressed from allergies to mouth ulcers to a fever with the customary cough and cold to flu to strange stomach pains. It is not particularly fun, but I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow so everything is gonna be all right (Y)

In other other news, pondersome is not a real word. Ponderous is. Pondersome sounds lovelier though. Pity.

It seems strangely symbolically resonant - a Mr. C phrase right there - that just as a lot of our boys are going into NS this week, the new batch of Year 5 IB kids are coming in too.

Well anywhoz, I flee to type up more stuff for work. Good times.

Happy Lunar New Year!

2012-01-24T10:18:00.000+08:00

The long weekend's been a wonderful break since I've been sick and it just seems so timely that I get this break to recuperate. Many thanks to Captain Jack and Roomie for keeping me fed and rested the whole four days.

~~Laundry can wait.~~

In other news, everyone's a-visitin' and thus, the condo is deathly still. Perfect environment for watching poetry and Lord of The Rings Youtube clips, between making lecture slides and so, let me share this beauty:

Oh, The Places You Go!
by Dr. Seuss
at the Burning Man 2011 :)

Butterflies and Bridges

2012-01-24T07:51:00.004+08:00

Hey Siobe,

You would have been eleven today, my darling girl. If I could somehow get you here, you would be taking your PSLEs. Could you imagine that? I can.

We know, however, how that chapter ended and there never was a time for you to ask me things because you were here too briefly. I wonder at times, though, what I would say should you have reached today and asked your big sis on things like the future or ourselves or our past.

You would say, “Ache, what do you want to do when you grow up?”

And I would say, “More than anything? I would be an artist. I would write and create, style and dance, sing and make magic.” But there are some choices, my beautiful girl, that we cannot take and some sacrifices we cannot make. The world is not cruel; it simply is not perfect.

Then you would ask me, “What should I do?”

I would tell you to choose your path as you see fit, to choose wisely and bravely. I would tell you then that I choose to teach because it allows me to make others' dreams possible if not all of mine are to come to pass. The world is too big for only the plans of one person to be given life.

I wish I could have taken part in making things happen for you. I cannot claim to eternal bonds of sisterhood, but I can say that there is always that tie that makes death painful. I know it is not true, but any life lost feels like a waste.

You would have been eleven and beautiful. I hope you're at peace.

Happy Birthday, little one.

Ache

That Maid

2012-01-21T11:15:00.000+08:00

This week was, as expected, more challenging than the previous week, but not quite because of the reasons I thought it would be.

I suppose the incident that stands out most in my mind was my encounter with a secondary three boy in the corridor. He's the younger brother of one of my ex-schoolmates. He asked me if I knew his sister and I told him I had never met her personally, but that I just knew she sang really well. The following day, however, I met another boy in my class who is also a younger brother of another ex-schoolmate, this time my classmate in English. He mentioned that he overheard the boy I had met the previous day asking his sister about me and she replied quite spitefully,

“Oh, that Filipino maid?”

So yeah, being at the receiving end of a racist comment is not really new to me. Regular doses even since I trucked myself over here, but Atticus of the great To Kill a Mockingbird has kindly given his counsel so nothing to do, but ignore it, right? Still, on a personal level, I guess I was surprised that someone I never really spoke to in school maintained this impression of me. I think we only had to be in the same room together during chemistry class and I normally dozed off in those - for valid reasons, I would like to think - so yeah *shrug*

I think I was more appalled by what the girl was teaching her younger brother. Thankfully, both of the secondary three boys did not seem to share her sentiments.

Thing is, it just added to the dismay I had already felt during the Parent-Teachers Meeting I had attended last week. Some parents were texting or didn't bother to stop their sons from playing games on their phones as the principal spoke. It is saddening to see how much more teachers have to do to inculcate the values of respect and openness in students when they don't see the right examples set at home. I think it's amazing how the teachers put in extra effort in character development in addition to academically coaching the boys.

So anyway, it's the lunar new year! I get a few days at home alone because Roomie's out with her uncle here and my friends are of course, with their families so it should be pretty peaceful. Powerpoint slides are cool friends, okaaay.

Now I flee to vacuum the floor :D

Walis Tambo

2012-01-15T09:37:00.001+08:00

So the house is a little cleaner than it was last Friday, but it still bugs me because it seems the whole place can only be fixed with a vacuum cleaner since the dust and crumbs are really fine and thus refuse to be wiped up because the floor's marble-like so they stick to it and can't be swept because they refuse to go into the dust pan. (Long sentence RAWR) It's a stupid waste of electricity and I'm somewhat apprehensive about the bill at the end of the month. I suppose Roomie and I'll just have to be more careful elsewhere.

Yes, this is a sort of stupid post, but I'm just ticked off by my inability to use a broom in this place because of the odd dust. Grrr.

In other news, we had a random outing yesterday with yet again no photo. In other other news, it's back to school tomorrow. Much as I enjoy the break, it's nice going to class. It feels nice putting twelve years of observing teachers to good use.

I'll jazz this post up eventually lol.

Back to School

2012-01-13T16:43:00.002+08:00

So I'm working now as a teaching intern and the kids are lovely. Everything sort of blends in a strange hodgepodge of memory and time and full circles. I'm glad the weekend is here though as I need to clean-up a bit and get a fresh start for work next week.

Sometimes, when I get to the classroom ahead of my mentor, we have little discussions – me and the boys – about the previous lesson and I love the way they light up when you share the little tricks you used to memorise or understand things during your own O-level preparation. It is about as heartwarming as the exuberant "Byeee Madaaam!" you get from a student running past the bus stop you're waiting at. Those and many more things have made this past week such a joy to go through; I cannot help, but feel excited for the coming week.

Dusty Musty

2012-01-08T03:16:00.001+08:00

Been falling asleep earlier since I arrived, probably because my body adapted to the somewhat sedentary lifestyle I had during the past month back home.

So yes, here I am, up at 3, about to nap and then go clean my room again.

This unpacking business is taking too long. I think it ranks very low on the things I like to do. I could do without the allergies.

Cuarenta Y Tres

2012-01-07T09:14:00.003+08:00

Results days always bring to mind the many debates people have had about grades and their validity as indicators or collections of old thoughts like how:

Our school is some sort of statistical aberration, based on the IBO statistical bulletin, but no matter what other schools say, we don't cheat. We just work hard in varying degrees.
That being said, intellect and hard work are not always directly proportional to the grades. Simple observation of what everyone got and how they worked during their IB years do not always match. We need to stop judging our worth by our grades - and claiming that you do so only because society does so doesn't solve the problem for the future. If we don't change how we think of it, nobody will.
People need to be more sensitive about their reactions. It's okay if you're not happy about getting 41, but it would be considerate to remember that someone beside you might have less than 40. Lamenting loudly isn't nice. Also, saying that someone who didn't score "well" must have just been lazy isn't fair.
We need to rethink our grades perspective because it doesn't feel like 45 is the unusual achievement that it used to be. What it feels like is 45 is the very good grade, 44 is good, and 43 is just satisfactory. Scoring 41 or 42 is passable and below those shouldn't be mentioned. That isn't right. In the real world outside our fishbowl, anything 35 upwards already exceeds the social norm. The world average is 29.6. What has happened to us that we are unable to celebrate successes?

On the personal front, God has been very gracious, gifting me with far more than I thought I would get. I could probably cry over the loss of that point in my beloved English, but that would take away from celebrating my same grade in Math. I was never naturally talented in the subject and to know that hard work - not just talent - can get you to your goal is very rewarding.

OH! And my chicken got 45 :D Okay, and the whole troop did well. I am pleazzzed.

So now I'm off to unpack in my new room. Working starts next week. Equally daunting tasks, I might say.

Little Wonders

2012-01-03T11:41:00.003+08:00

I cried on the plane back to Singapore the second time I had to fly back during the March holidays a few years ago. It has gotten both easier and harder to go each time since. The hardest part is rarely the actual moment of goodbye, but a searing, silent moment days before.

I suppose it's easier because there's no school this time. Much as I love studying, the daily grind can get to all of us. This time it's an internship, scholarship applications, getting stuff to work. We'll see how that turns out. It's harder because as we get older, we calm down and we leave with understanding, not anger. Least I do.

It's a lovely little wonder that people feel so much, in such complexity. Whatever it is, I'll be home soon.

Our lives are made in these small hours,
these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
these small hours, still remain
Rob Thomas

Sparklers

2012-01-01T00:08:00.001+08:00

Well Happy New Year, you wonderful people :)

2011 exceeded my expectations. It was a beautiful, but very painful year and I doubt I should like to walk through it again. The experience was worth it though and I hope I'll be of a similar mind at the end of this new year.

Here's to new days, new plans, and new chances.

Probinsya

2011-12-31T13:43:00.002+08:00

We drove to my gran's homewtown yesterday, Sta. Cruz and later, through a small part of Davao del Sur.

a little bit of the Pacific Ocean from Tabing Dagat Grill

There are frightfully beautiful things to coming from an old country. There are flowers here that I have never seen elsewhere and the trees seem to touch the sky. The horizon, whether it features a coconut plantation or the Pacific Ocean, is wonderfully far.

Hacienda Soledad

Cows graze together, like an old country song, and cemeteries are cut into the hillsides like uneven marble steps to heaven. My old Spanish name is not unusual in the midst of the tombstones with their Lucias, Pablos, and Anastasias.

A curious intrusion is in the form of a radio on top of one inhabited mausoleum that blasts Top 40's like Nicki Minaj's Fly and Coldplay's Paradise, but elsewhere, the most beautiful sound is over fifty birds taking flight from an empty field and the high tide claiming the shore.

coconuts drying

You can feel it, without anyone saying anything, that the ground goes deep here. I wonder if blood has been spilled here in wars, centuries over or maybe it has always been this placid; I wonder if government officials in Manila know about these places. Some people in the mountain farms will never see the main roads in their lives. Some women still wear malongs and young boys carry huge burdens in giant woven baskets on their heads. I am not sure if those are good things or bad things.

a lake with ducks that we drove by

In the shade of Mt. Apo, hemmed in on the other side by the sea, the valley's children sleep. They don't have internet access and the cellphone signal is near non-existent, but they don't need it. I don't think they need our world.

Mistletoe and Marshmallows

2011-12-25T19:14:00.006+08:00

Merry Christmas, folks :)

Though if you're reading this, you should probably go away from the computer and celebrate with your family.

Been in Davao for a week now and as it's really the closest you'll get to a modern, but still provincial capital, there is nothing much for me to report here. I'm already taking a big leap of faith here and assuming this blog is still read by people other than my mum, okay? Anyone? Anyone? HELLO?

Okay, so hello, Mr. Blogwall, let me talk to you.

Again, not much to talk about since I'm in Davao. It's a lovely, quiet place, excusing the two radios blaring music at the same time from neighbours on opposite ends of our house during Christmas eve until the wee hours. I never thought I would hear a forced remix between Last Friday Night and Take Me Home, Country Roads in this lifetime, but it actually wasn't that bad.

Oh, I went to Catholic Mass too, which is always an interesting experience since I'm Christian, but I pretty much remember all the words and business of standing and sitting after all this time so I'm still safe to bring along. It's a beautiful ritual, with the great stained glass windows and chandeliers and domes and candles and then everyone really does sing and say their part and participate. I imagine it's a sight to behold in masses conducted in Latin - if there still are any, that is.

I know there were too many and's in that sentence. Bah humbug.

The priest did share something quite lovely today. He said that we celebrate Christmas because we share in God's divinity as he came down from heaven to share in our humanity.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

A lovely thought and let me leave you with that.

Again, Happy Christmas. May his blessings fall on you and all those you hold dear. :)

After 4 Years

2011-12-15T22:34:00.000+08:00

and still going strong.

Batch 9 ladies

Though it is to different places we are headed, I'm happy we began together.

Sticks and Stones

2011-12-15T21:20:00.002+08:00

"Looks like it’s time to implement Hitler’s Final Solution against anyone in Singapore who wasn’t born here. And no, this isn’t sarcasm. I have heard people on there street talking about ways to kill foreigners. I think a tipping point has been reached for Singapore regarding the foreigner problem. Time for them to go…or die."
a comment on theonlinecitizen.com

And people think I exaggerate when I talk about racism.

I don't blame Singapore or Singaporeans at all. I am applying to be a PR and I'm proud of it. My best friends are beautiful, kind Singaporeans and I strongly believe that all races have equal value because the many different races and nationalities I have seen in Singapore have also shown me some of the best and worst that they have to offer. There have been good and bad and nice and not quite people from all races and by showing that everyone can be bad, the converse means that every race has good people too and that we really are all the same and that no one is inferior or superior or whatnot.

//end of run on sentence *deep breath*

It's like we never learned from Hitler and his insanity. It's so silly how so much bigotry and hate can exist in an already increasingly connected world. Maybe it's because now that we're all so familiar, familiarity breeds contempt or that the fight for scarce resources in a world of unlimited want pulls out the worst from us - or maybe at the heart of this flat world, you can educate someone out of poverty or ignorance, but only with much difficulty can you reason a person out of human irrationality.

RWM

2011-12-12T10:29:00.001+08:00

You should definitely go to Resorts World Manila.

central chandelier at the mall

I'm just saying.

It's a really beautiful place with a lovely church that has these jumongous stained glass windows. See?

back of the church

That black shadow in the middle is me. My mum wanted to achieve this peacock effect, so it kiiind of works.

The hotels, of course, live up to their international standard, but I can't comment on the casino because I'm too young (although my mum wanted to bring me in just to see what it looks like and the cool live band inside that you could hear from the door) so if anyone out there over 21 knows, don't tell me until I'm older. I think gambling is silly and boring, but the secrecy makes it that much cooler to watch in two year.

The best part, of course, was the Saturday special performance. It's this insane mix of traditional fiesta parades, acrobatics, magic shows, amazing singers (we're a country full of those), hula-hoopers (if that's what they're called), street dance champions, and lots more. It's a great place for young kids, I must say, except for the horrible indoor smoking they allow at certain points. My spider senses tell me it is time for a strongly worded letter to their management so let's see how that turns out. *chuckle*

It is always a painfully wondrous affair for me when I watch local performances. Maybe it's because of the earthiness of raw talent? I don't know. I guess it bothers me that there are so many performers who are extremely talented, who practice hard, but who are going to get stuck here. Like these boys who could flip as easily as they breathe and yet, they will probably never expand their art until it reaches something like what we'd see in Cirque du Soleil. There were girls there who were brilliant traditional dancers. You could tell from how they raised their arms that they were innately graceful, but the position of their wrists and fingers told me of how they have had minimal formal training. Such a pity and I wish they could get teachers who'll really sharpen the knife, so to speak.

Truth be told, I'm not criticising them. I want something better for them - for all of us from the Philippines.

St. Theresa's tower

Cuppycake

2011-12-09T00:29:00.000+08:00

Roomie, my mother and I went to Serendra for cupcakes and Brazilian and while on the car, I felt very uncomfortable at one point. Looking out, it was like a scene from of Stepford Wives: unnaturally straight rows of sculpted homes with perfectly polished facades. Beautiful international schools were nearby as was the commercial complex at the heart of the city. The utopia was frightening because of the very real possibility that a child could grow up in the Bonifacio Global City and never go out, completely unaware of the poverty right outside the city gates.

But that's a lot like many of us, I suppose, ensconced in our comfort - or maybe that's just me generalising. Cabbie says it's part of the feeling of the non-you in the environment, but I couldn't capture the exact way he said it. Maybe that's something I have to find a way to incorporate into my future physics classes: social awareness, however little.

I'll stop rambling now, but mark my words, I'll do something about it one day *bow*

So I'm Kind of Back

2011-12-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

Yes, standing - more like typing and lying down, but standing's the right expression sooo - on Philippine ground again. Done a fair bit of shopping of work clothes and whatnot for next year so since we got that covered in the first day, there's lots of time to get cracking on the Fabulous Four Physics Project and uni essays.

In recent news, have a picture of dumplings. I love these, but they're pricey like nobody's business in Singapore so I wait for December to get my annual dose. Mum and I had this brilliant idea of buying from three different dimsum tea houses in the same food court for variety.

Oh yeah <3

It's a slack day apparently tomorrow. I am chuffed to bits :D

Scissors and Tape

2011-12-03T09:45:00.000+08:00

I'm excited :D

Almost done with packing all the boxes and Roomie and I passed the room inspection spectacularly, much to our surprise, so once I seal up these babies and give them to Metro (until a better name is picked^^), I'm free until we fly off on Monday.

(I'd have gone to the talk I was scheduled for, but more pressing banking engagements cropped up O_O)

It's lovely how everything is sort of petering off now to a calm stop. Once I get home, it's The Fabulous Four's Physics Project and really getting down to those uni apps, but it can wait. For now, I'll take that break gladly.

Where's that doughnut *hunt hunt*

Wasteland

2011-12-01T17:04:00.002+08:00

Packing is a curious thing. We do it every year in boarding schools right before we leave for the December holidays and it's always an odd thing seeing the whole you in the room kept away in four boxes and two luggage bags. After filling up so much space and time, the sum of your things lessen with each year away from home, like you've reached this understanding that just this is enough.

(I normally also get this intense fascination with Youtube videos at this point because they're so much more fascinating than folding clothes. Shh :P)

Luckily, I have a lot less stuff now than I did last year, but we know how the story goes. After the wasteland of old receipts, clothes to donate and books to sell, the room will be empty, like we did not stay here - like no one ever lived here at all.

Happines Hit Her Like a Train on Its Tracks

2011-11-25T10:36:00.001+08:00

I think I'd forgotten what it's like to have fun. Perhaps that's a dangerous thing to admit in this time when college admission boards prowl the net to find things about you, but I think it's a very real thing for students who are exiting challenging, near hot-housing pre-tertiary education systems or specifically, students who sought to excel in the system. When you try your best to balance your lifestyle in the middle of a challenging program, it's a bit unsettling when all the pressure is suddenly removed or in this case, ~~replaced with other problems~~. Roomie read a study once where they pointed out that some students left without their humanity. I think for most, it's with a little less than they once had.

Maybe it's because good times were snatched between essays upon essays and happiness was stolen as a choice from trying days.

I couldn't read yesterday, you see. I mean I could see the letters and I could read a few chapters at a time. But the days when I could curl up in an uncomfortable position and devour novels at the back of the car seemed all too distant. The old unintentional inability to see anything else but the story unfolding had been long replaced with a wholehearted desire to get back to that special place mixed with the nagging feeling that I should be doing something more productive with my time. What exactly that more productive things is, I'm not very sure, but I suppose it's just a throwback from the past two years when leisure was a luxury.

On a completely unrelated note ~~or maybe not quite~~, Sing-Off Season 3 has proven to be a pretty good show. I rarely invest myself fully in what happens in these things - which saves me that indignant fan phase - but I do enjoy the music. Been rooting for Pentatonix since day one (as my poor friends bombarded by stuff about them can attest), but hey, they're in the Top Three now and you should totally go watch their stuff.

Aaaand... I think I shall do that now. Bloop^^

Methinks

2011-11-22T02:05:00.000+08:00

There's something weird about how Roomie and I prepared for prom by eating more and getting massages. I sense a distinct contrast with the girls we've heard dieting and going for the all too painful waxing.

Add to that the fact that I'm up at two in the morning on prom day, letting my eye bags get bigger, as we reply to emails about housing and internships and whatnot.

So what's it like to be a normal teenager? Sometimes, I forget, methinks.

Hard Knocks

2011-11-20T22:23:00.001+08:00

I've come to the amazing conclusion (Well, it's amazing to me^^) that being an adult in itself is not so hard.

It's funny because all the things adults complain about like household chores, cooking or making healthy food decisions, exercising, commuting, balancing budgets or the random odds and ends of daily living are not really that hard. Or at least, after four years, any teenager with a strong will, steadfast discipline and faith in something big will survive - and perhaps even excel - while living all alone.

The problems I think I've faced with recent adult-y problems are really people because some people are nice and some will cheat you. Some will be patient, some will leave you hanging. Some will complain to you while you yourself are struggling and some will help you hang on. As people are all different, are affected differently or demand different things from you, it's hard to pick the decision that really works, although the actual decision might not really be that complicated in itself - you know?

What I'm trying to say is that being an adult seems hard to me now because of other adults and that kind of sucks because it boils down to the fact that people can really suck. I'm not being pessimistic or anything because ultimately I have a lot of faith in human nature. I guess for now, you could just say that I'm disappointed. Some part of me had a lot more faith in adults who like imposing their superiority on me. Some part of me still does.

I mean, I may be young and small and not the wisest kid in the bunch, but I know what I want, I've always been willing to work for it, and I've got a mighty Protector on my side.

We'll see how these weeks work out. Hopefully quite well and sometime before I burn out. (Delays to a long awaited break are not pretty.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.1 Timothy 4:12

Running, running.

2011-11-17T21:32:00.001+08:00

I'm not sure if it's funny or just tragic that even with the exams over, there's still a million and one responsibilities to attend to. I think my heart's been racing faster and my mind's been working harder over the past two days than during the tests in the week before.

It sort of brings to mind the time out or burn out idea that college admissions officers write about. ~~Read up on it, it's cool. :)~~

Can never seem to catch a break can we, sweet pea?

I think I'm stressed.

Good Times

2011-11-16T00:04:00.001+08:00

There's this story I read once that talks about students who were receiving results for a major exam on a certain day and were offered discounted trips overseas for the holidays after the results. The students, however, had to finalise their bookings by the day before the test results came out and most of them decided not to go on the trip. The story goes that the study then tested how students would respond if they knew in advance they did well or badly and it came out that most of them would have decided to go whether it was to console or reward themselves.

Regardless of the truth of said story, I always felt it said something about how we're challenged when faced with the unknown. It's like the whole picture of the deer in the headlights even if the car really has nothing to do with anything ~~am I still making sense here garblefarbleblargh~~

I walked out of the last paper earlier, trying to remember what it is I'll be having for tomorrow and it struck me then that I was actually done with IB. For that moment ~~and the many hours after~~, it was daunting to think of what to do with myself even with the list of everything we want to do. It's like you can't really have too much fun because then the tides of fate might just come back to bite you next year.

After chatting with Captain Jack today and Roomie yesterday though, it's been calming to remember that God isn't vicious, he isn't cruel. Not making the most out of the month and a half to come will be a perfectly horrid waste of a perfectly beautiful time, right?

So it's room-cleaning tomorrow morning, buying prom clothes for the ever-blur Captain Jack in the afternoon and then Mexican dinner with Roomie.

Good times, bro.

The Check List

2011-11-15T10:03:00.000+08:00

'coz it's motivational to cross them out :D

~~HL English Paper 1~~
~~HL Mathematics Paper 1~~
~~HL Mathematics Paper 2~~
~~HL Mathematics Paper 3~~

~~SL French ab initio Paper 1~~
~~SL French ab initio Paper 2~~
~~SL Chemistry Paper 1~~
~~SL Chemistry Paper 2~~

~~SL Chemistry Paper 3~~
~~HL English Paper 2~~

~~HL Physics Paper 1~~
~~HL Physics Paper 2~~

~~HL Physics Paper 3~~

~~SL Economics Paper 1~~
~~SL Economics Paper 2~~

//edit 15 nov: IBfinished.

One Last Stretch

2011-11-12T09:16:00.003+08:00

So it's the last stretch, as I'm sure everyone else is thinking, and I'm a little dried out. I guess the one thing I missed about the O-level transition was that I had ACS(I) in the bag already with the DSA.

So this is what it's like to not have a safety net.

Like a shepherd I will feed you; I will gather you with care.
I will lead you and hold you close to my heart.We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength,
and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again.

I like this song because whenever I sing it, I hear four hundred girls filled with ideals that supersede wordly excellence. IJ <3

2 more papers ~

In One Week

2011-11-08T19:00:00.000+08:00

You will love and respect yourself enough to go back to eating right and exercising and drinking enough fluids.

You will read books and sleep more.

You will sit down and think.

I feel really unhealthy right now and out of shape, but food's such a quick comfort when everything's this big blur of work and I will definitely detox when I go home D: Pardon the mess of thoughts, but I really, really want to feel clean and while I don't really want IB to end just yet, this kind of living, like I said before, isn't sustainable anymore.

7 days to go, guys :)

Unlovely Bones

2011-11-07T19:11:00.001+08:00

These bones have seen better days. These joints and muscles too, I suppose, with the shoulders always tensed up and the back bent by the weight of these exams.

I'm kind of scared of twisting them too much when I crack them. Definitely going to see a doctor or a chiropractor after I go back. D: Extremely excited to get back into better shape after the exams though. Swimming on the last day, running the day after, house-hunting the day after after and cycling the day after after after lol

I just wanted to say after repeatedly. Don't judge :P

Now off to Chemistry and later, English. Though I think I'll ignore the sample essays by literary critics because sometimes, it really seems like there's all too much written, but nothing much really said.

We're almost there, bubs :)

Time

2011-11-04T20:42:00.001+08:00

You know you're in IB if you're having a fever and you can't really tell since you're too charged up with studying to notice. Although when your eyes start burning while writing, you can kinda tell.

The first week's over and it's a relief to get over Math. We've had a long love-hate relationship wherein I love it and it hates me, but it's all good because after I finish the Physics primer a group of us are making for the juniors during the holidays, I think I'll restudy math, just to really get a hang of it. Strong foundations (Y)

Next week will be rather daunting since it'll be five subjects crammed together, but I guess it's best to get it over with?

I'm looking forward to post-IB just as I suppose everyone is and I think it's really because we'll have more time for anything. I'll have time to sit down and just pray, to start dancing and running and swimming again. I'll have time to travel further to eat healthier food rather than making do with nearest, fastest option, time to sit down in parks and read great books, time to just listen to music and think, time to write all the plots and poems that have been waiting, time to study slowly the lessons I've had to learn in an exam-oriented way, time to go out and play word games with friends in Macs, time to hunt for an apartment, time to sleep, time to talk, and time to just be..

I'm not saying I couldn't do any of those in IB because with good friends and a good game plane, it's not the killer programme everyone makes it out to be. I mean it's academically challenging, but it's still humane. Maybe, humane-ish. IB has been the high point of this short 19 years, but I suppose everything needs to end eventually. I don't think it's sustainable really because making time for non-academic things require a continued, concerted effort. It'll be nice to have a break for a while..

There's so much living to do right after these tests, you see? :)

Vroom

2011-10-31T19:55:00.001+08:00

I guess it's rather daunting that tomorrow's the start of the IB exams. It struck me as I woke up, actually. I suppose the relative calm is because it's another set of exams and we've been there before, haven't we? Too many times, one might say.

Roomie says the reality might set in when we start revising for English later since it's the first paper tomorrow, which might be true since we've been doing Math for today. I don't know.

I guess this will be my best shot for the time we've had.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Let the ~~2011 November IB Exams~~ Battle of Hogwarts begin ♥

Guh, everything sounds so much cooler in wizarding terms xD

Knee Pain Killed the Studying Star

2011-10-28T10:58:00.004+08:00

Checked out randomly the Wiki page for Casper (The movie, yes.) and it appears that it was not received well by film critics, which is sad because it remains one of my favourite movies from my childhood.

The world's got a lot to say on the things we feel. I guess it's just a matter of us deciding that our feelings are just as good as anyone's.

Just as good.

On another note, is it just me or is really weird how around here - I'm not sure if this is just a Singaporean thing or an Asean or Asian thing - it's really hard to talk to people on the street and ask for let's say directions or few and far between are those civil enough to say sorry if you bump into them, but once a person has spoken to you once or twice - and I've experienced this quite a bit - there is this sudden assumption that you're both chums and that borderline insensitive jokes are totally fine or the inner workings of their hearts are suddenly on display? It's like discretion took a nice, long vacation.

That was a very long sentence, my bad. D:

Oh, but 4 days to IB and that nice, long break after. We're almost there, folks. :D

Chariots

2011-10-26T22:16:00.000+08:00

You ever get those times that you approach someone for comfort and you get more of a shove? It's a great thing that God never pushes us away.

I found this in my old posts. Right before O-levels, to be exact.

Father

Some trust in ~~chariots~~ long mugging sessions
and some in ~~horses~~ revision guides or leaks,
but I trust in the name of the Lord, my God.

I will do this properly. I will sleep right and
eat well and not be cranky and do my best.
I ask only for results that will honor You and for a peace
that transcends all understanding as I take each exam.

Whatever I get, it's for Your glory.

Amen

Bubs

2011-10-24T19:08:00.001+08:00

Bub Gear is essentially shirt, tie, jacket, pants,
but the pants don't match the jacket so it's not a suit.

Beelzebubs

Oh hai, VIPs. <3

Always

2011-10-21T22:23:00.001+08:00

I don't feel very full, like not as full as I felt before each of the previous exams, especially Prelims where I was most blessed - though maybe Year 6 common tests might win the most blessed award because I really survived on borrowed time and energy.

God has been gracious.

I've been going through the Old Testament since before the Prelims and I often thought that the Israelites of that time were foolish because they always forgot the great things God had done for them. He'd parted the Red Sea, protected them in battle, and dropped manna even - and they cowered in fear of the things they had to face.

It struck me today that I have been little better in this case because ever since my run to this school, the OWL exams, every exam and deadline and dance in IB, the odds have never been in my favour and I have always been fearful. Not really worried, not really stressed - just daunted by things much bigger than my abilities. Yet, He has carried me through each of them with great mercy and more blessing than I've deserved, even when I didn't always fulfill my part of the bargain.

God is gracious.

So we trudge on through the week ahead with the doubtfulness of the end in sight. A classmate recently got 2390 for SATs, you see and I felt that pang of yet again, how in comparison, I won't come bearing a perfect college application. I won't be the smartest or the most accomplished or the one with the most number of community service hours, but I try, you see, I try hard and I make do with my best and I guess it's just going to take faith in the same God who's been so faithful in the past with getting me towards where I want to go even with imperfect credentials that He will be faithful again in sending me to the best new place for me to grow.

God will forever be gracious.

Fry-up

2011-10-14T21:51:00.000+08:00

I'm having a sudden attack of massive colds and sore throat and as I thought about it earlier, I felt very thankful that this hadn't hit me during the prelim exams and that I'm guessing it won't stay until IB so I should be healthier by then.

Though it would be lovely if it would go away right now so I can study. It would also be lovely if a plate with a full breakfast - preferrably Irish - popped up on my bed. Milk and two sugars for the tea. The strangeness of my stomach that it's asking for this at near ten in the evening I shall let itself figure out.

I have, instead, a few chapters of Physics I need to convince me to study.

Wish me luck.

Honestly Speaking

2011-10-14T00:06:00.003+08:00

~~There are lots of run on sentences in this post D: I really am sorry D:~~

I wonder if the world likes honesty. I mean, adults always tell you to be honest and people say liars go to hell and whatnot, but somehow the way we appear to think and act don't seem to match that ideal.

People tell me that if I'm just honest, my referral letters or applications won't get me anywhere, that I need to build them up to be admitted. Others tell me that if we don't inflate our essays with big words inside too big ideas or refer to others' internal assessments for IB, we won't score well.

If you point out a character flaw to some people, even out of love, when they're angry at themselves and unable to face the honest-to-goodness truth, they get mad at everyone else - at least that's something I've observed. I've been advised to hold my tongue because opposition isn't becoming of a lady, which is odd, because quite frankly I rarely impose my opinion in a conversation if I know the audience won't be willing to listen, and stupid because that attitude just makes people thoughtless.

If you're too honest, some think you lack subtlety. Then again, some think you're too naive.

I don't really know who's right, but I do think the quality of true honesty lies beyond what others think. It stands for itself in that by choosing to be honest in all my essays and letters and posts, people can trust that I mean what I express or if they're too cynical too then, at the very least, I can always trust me. And that's not such a bad trade-off for the supposedly more consistent success assured by dishonesty.

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
or a man who makes potions in a travelling show.
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do.
My gift is my song and this one's for you.

It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words.
Your Song (Elton John)

Oh, but the Janet Devlin cover during her X Factor audition was lovely in the real sense of that word. Celtic singers (Y)

It's Tough

2011-10-09T23:34:00.002+08:00

When the topic came to mind, I was thinking, "It's tough being an Asian kid." I realised then, of course, that some kids from other parts of the world surely could have similar problems, so I opened up the idea to well, "It's tough being a kid."

I've a friend right now, you see, frustrated by the conflicting requirements of his mother who demands that he spend more time with her, but also demands that he maintain stellar grades - something that of course, will require that same time his mother's asking for. His younger sister is plagued with the fact that, being less successful, she is less loved and wanted by their parents.

I've friends calling me at odd hours at night for prayer or counselling - neither of which I'm entirely brilliant at - because of the upcoming exams. I've a friend who's younger brother began crying due to the pressure of the PSLE. It seems that even the little ones are not safe from the terror.

I've another friend who cuts himself for every point below 45.

I don't know. I don't suppose we're the first generation to be like this and we're certainly not the last. But when you take the oh-whatever-look and the been-there-done-that attitude and the awww-so-sad sighs out, one can't help but realise that these are actual lives, actual people and lives matter. People matter.

When I grow up, I wanna be a lamp post. A nice shiny, short lamp post, but a lamp post nonetheless. I'll be good enough and happy enough and shining in life enough at what I do that kids can look up and see that there's a way forward, that their efforts and pain aren't futile, and that life can be beautiful - more beautiful than it is tough.

How bad do you want it?

2011-10-08T10:40:00.001+08:00

I saw a video today posted by a friend on Facebook that tried to encourage people to succeed and that's great because people often start pulling others down or using people as stepping stones to go up. But it frightened me in some sense when it said that you have to want it real bad, you have to want it more than anything else, if it requires that you stop sleeping or eating then you'll do it because you want to be successful.

What exactly is success to that speaker? The video featured an athlete who was extremely impressive, but the way he said everything, it was like nothing else mattered.

If I had a 19 year old daughter, I wouldn't let her give up friends or family or eating so she could get skinny or go to college. There are some things more important than setting a new world record. Maybe I'm being foolish or idealistic or maybe, I just don't get it because I've never gotten that far, but on the way to any small successes I've made, people always came first, values always came first, God always came first. Sometimes I failed myself in that respect, but the idea is to know that for me, I was doing the wrong thing at that time.

People talk about food and sleep like they're sins. People were never meant to run on half an hour of rest and no meals.

I will try my best for IB because by doing so I honour God, I honour my family and teachers and friends who've taught me along the years, and I gain the knowledge and skill that'll help me with the rest of my life. But I will not hurt myself in the process, I will not forget friends who need help along the way.

There's more to life than degrees and diplomas and money. Back home, people without money could be happy and people with so much could still be empty. I'm not saying there's an inverse relationship between money and happiness, I'm saying there's none, just that the choices you make will determine how much you get or how much you feel.

The way I see it, success, by worldly standards, never made anyone truly happy.

Balloon Day

2011-10-07T00:01:00.005+08:00

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'cause I've built my life around you,
but time makes bolder, children get older,
I'm getting older too.

So take this love and take it down.
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,
well, the landslide brought down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,
well maybe, well maybe, well maybe,
the landslide will bring you down.
Dixie Chicks

I much prefer Gwyneth Paltrow's version on Glee however, or The Backbeats' version on The Sing-Off

Ah well, Happy 19th Birthday to me :)

Nastily Exhausting Muggle Tests

2011-10-03T21:52:00.005+08:00

It seems only fitting, seeing as it's the beginning of the end, to see how much further we have to go.

Ah, so close.

Yet, the trick, I believe, is to not think so. What I mean by that is plodding along as usual, trying to do each task without that sense of rushing towards an end. Crash landings are not very pretty, right?

So now, math. It really is back to the daily grind.

Inclined Slopes and Optics

2011-09-29T23:00:00.002+08:00

Preparing for SAT II today and looking at my score way back in 2007, I realise that the reason I did fairly well for a dinky little Secondary 3 girl at the time was that I had had the whole summer to just drill when I was rather bored and found all these new subjects pretty exciting to learn. Also, I didn't have much to lose so worries and fears didn't take away too much time from studying.

Now, of course, it's a wholly different matter because having just finished prelims for the IB exams last Tuesday, I have a grand total of three days to prepare for my SAT II's on this Saturday.

It's quite a challenge because as I read through the syllabus for the SATs, particularly for physics, I was and still am struck by the differences between it and IB's and admittedly I'd trained myself to be geared towards the latter style. I quite admire that the SAT is slightly more comprehensive since there are parts in it not found in IB because we had focused on a different aspect or sometimes, ignored the concept like for the coefficients of friction.

However, I think that the SAT focuses a lot more on speed in solving (something I've always find overemphasised regardless of the subject or exam board) - it is a timed exams after all with about 48 seconds per question - and recall of facts or equations while IB, on the other hand, provides a data booklet for common values and equations and gives a more reasonable 90 seconds per question for its multiple choice exam. IB, I feel, focuses more on understanding of the concepts and application in real life, which I think carries the spirit of the subject and provides a more solid foundation for mastery of the science.

Of course thinking so does not excuse me from having to take Saturday's papers. On some level I wish I hadn't signed up for them and banked on my old results, however I'm not too sure what universities will think of results from five years ago. I guess part of the fear is that VIP follows an all scores system where they take every score one has ever had. If my scores for this set are lower than the past ones, I wonder what the admissions officer would think.

I thank Harper Lee for teaching me of what I need at this time.

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.
To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)

or as the brilliant play from the school drama group taught us:

You have to suck. You have to suck it. You have to suck it like a man.

Trust me, I fully intend to.

Yellow and Stripe

2011-09-28T18:53:00.001+08:00

Maybe it's not that classy or erudite, but I loved Hope for the Flowers. Oh, and Brandon Heath, yes, of course.

In other, more tangible, news, let's get this hostel room cleaned, baby.

Rosti

2011-09-27T11:47:00.001+08:00

Well, that was the rather unspectacular end to the prelims. I honestly hadn't thought too much about this limbo period between the school exams and IB, but now that it's here, it's all sorts of interesting :)

I'm handing up my PR application forms with Roomie this afternoon, meeting friends to read books at Starbucks, prepping for SATs II, getting some stuff down in the week ahead so by the time we're back to work and back to IB next week, I shan't have backlog to worry about.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, the novelty of this lifestyle still amazes me.

The Brighter Side

2011-09-26T10:09:00.007+08:00

Roomie and I went to Clarke Quay to study yesterday.

For those who haven't been there - and from what I've gathered from local friends, many haven't - it isn't really the sleazy place of sin and immorality that it's made out to be. In fact it's a genuinely pretty place full of good food. Honestly, a lot of good restaurants and more importantly for study!bugs, two very pretty Starbucks outlets.

[I shan't expound on the whole heritage loss issue thingamagummy regarding Clarke Quay since I won't presume I get the whole feel and context of it, seeing as I'm a foreigner. *moving on*]

Anyway, while we were walking along the cobbled path, I noted once more how lovely it is that we can do that. All the little things are amazing, like walking on the road by myself, knowing I'm about to get a nice macchiato at Starbucks, carrying math papers that I'm starting to understand, texting a friend about something funny that happened at her church, looking forward to Roomie's suggestion of grilled burgers, and later, napping on the bus home.

The novelty of freedom, food, friendship and a future never wear off, even after four years.

You and I may not always get together, little Red Dot, but I'm grateful that you're here at this stage of my life.

Ah, onwards we plod to Clementi Library. We've got friends to meet and some math to conquer.

Queen of Anything

2011-09-24T01:22:00.002+08:00

Been checking out a cappella groups for the past two nights since prelims has been winding down and well, I think so am I. If not physically, then mentally and if not mentally then emotionally. IB has been a long ride and it's not even over yet. I suppose you could say we're at the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, depending on how you look at it.

Most students, teachers and parents say that when you start checking these things out on Youtube, it takes you away from the more important things in life. I'm assuming they meant things like doing your homework and studying. Youtube or perhaps anything within the net is seen as this temptation to be reckoned with during exam periods, which is something I won't argue with - not because I completely agree, but because that's another whole can of worms I won't be opening. My question though is who's to say this isn't important too? Not the actual act of searching up on Youtube, but the simple appreciation of beautiful things, of beautiful art.

Don't get me wrong - I am one of those dorks perpetually studying or doing work, but there's something creepy about us Asians and our fixation on grades or exams. My friend's writing an email to his parents who live overseas and are not particular on him studying in America because they'd rather he stay in Asia. His main concern is that in the introduction page of one of the Asian universities, it emphasised how only grades really determined the success of your application to the school. His parents think that's the right way to go.

That's it? That's how much I'm worth - a potential 45 points?

Different strokes for different folks, I know. For some people studying in an Asian university would be the best way to go given their plans and choices. I could very well stay here in Singapore for university next year since I can't foretell what will happen to me. I know I'll count wherever I go as a blessing, but my point is simply to reflect a little bit on the value we've assigned this idea of quantifying intellect, especially here in Asia.

I know this whole thing of complaining about the excessive Asian focus on grades has lost its novelty as an intellectual topic. It's been said before so frequently and it'll be discussed millions of times long after you and I are gone. People will complain about grades or earning them or how unfair it is to be restricted by them and I'm just hoping that maybe, just maybe, if we get enough people thinking about and changing our view of grades in our lives, maybe we'd change the world, one score at a time, by having us think about marks differently, one person at a time.

Birthday Musings

2011-09-21T09:19:00.003+08:00

Seeing as I've overslept - I was planning on getting up at 6 to do work - it would probably be in my best interest to start studying, but I just wanted to write for a bit :)

I'm turning 19 in two weeks - did you know that? No, this isn't some desperate plea for attention. I like my birthdays quiet and happy, though I'm not going to hide that said date exists because that sort of complete solitude is still beyond me.

Anyway, I've been scrounging around between chapters of physics the birthday wish lists of people ranging from good friends to random strangers of the net and well, I can't really find anything to list down - which is not to say that I have everything I want.

I think I much prefer having nice little things regularly throughout the year like the occasional mismatched pair of earrings or an oddly cut dress instead of everything coming in on one day. I like buying good food with Roomie and eating breakfasts that are neither bread nor more bread as L'Internat insists it must serve so nobody really needs to cook anything extra.

Last year, I didn't really have the whole Philippine (The lack of an 's' on Philippine at this point is grammatically correct. I've been corrected too many times by well-meaning, but incorrect individuals. Trust me, guys, I did live there for fifteen years.) debut thing, which girls have at 18, because quite frankly I think the whole costumery of it is silly, but you're entitled to have one if that's how you want your 18th celebrated. Got my mum instead to pay for four girls to eat at Hooters because they have good fried food and it's funny that the ladies there are not too sure on how to serve a bunch of girls instead of a table of rowdy men.

I think the loveliest thing about last year was the notebook of notes :)

I guess all the things I would really want to ask for during this birthday are a bit more complicated at this moment since these would include things like a decent enough number of IB points, money for ballet classes, a place to stay at after IB ~~since my prospects currently include homelessness~~, and a spot in university.

I know some people keep talking about their dream universities, but I don't know, I've found a few - especially VIP XD - that genuinely interest me, but quite simply I just want a place that will take me in not because they think I have the highest marks because I probably won't be able to conjure that up. I want a university that will accept and appreciate oddballs like me and allow me to contribute to a community and benefit from it and maybe those aren't that simple after all.

I think I'll go study now.

Four more papers <3

VIP

2011-09-11T21:07:00.001+08:00

I know it may not be the best time to be doing this since I can always go university hunting, but I just spent the better part of the last hour and a half reading the admission office page, about page, blog of the dean and the blog of the students of a university that Roomie mentioned in passing that shall hitherto be named Very Interesting Place or VIP for short should I ever post about it again.

I think I may have just found what I'm looking for and that in itself is an entirely frightening and exciting concept.

Lesson Number One

2011-09-11T08:50:00.000+08:00

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
You are sure to win

Like a rock, you must be hard
Like an oak, you must stand firm
Cut quick like my blade.
Think fast - unafraid.

Like a cloud, you are soft.
Like bamboo, you bend in the wind.
Creeping slow, you're at peace
because you know it's okay to be afraid.

Lessons from Mulan just in time for the Prelims. Not much to be said, but that as usual, time has been racing against us and I can only pray that it'll be better still than the last time.

It being the anniversary of 9/11 today, I guess it's a brilliant reminder that there's more to life than the plodding on that we do - tests included. Bigger, more challenging things happen like the choices made by the terrorists, the jumpers, and the nations. There's more to life than exams - and that makes them smaller than they've been made to seem.

I popped open my Bible the other day and Hebrews 11:1 came :) Timely, I know.

Where there is no fear, there is faith. All the best, guys :)

Tea Time

2011-09-04T19:05:00.001+08:00

tea at Delifrance

Good times with better company. Also studying with tea is more helpful and less costly when studying than the alternatives, really.

Gelato

2011-09-04T18:59:00.000+08:00

Studying Econs at Venezia with Captain Jack when this group of yuppies filled up three tables beside on us, presumably meeting up after not seeing each other for quite a bit. They were loud, they were jarring and they were discussing... salaries. Of all things, really, in the middle of a gelateria. They were doing a disservice to the great, cheap milkshakes and the quiet study place, honestly.

I guess it's really a matter of different strokes for different folks. Maybe that's what they all have in common these days or that's what adults are into, I don't know.

*shakes head* No, I don't think all adults are like that.

I didn't really have much to say to them so I looked down at my econs book and wondered about what we'd all be like when we met up after IB and national service for the lads and university and the Bigger, Better Things in Life (we're channeling The God of Small Things here, folks, with the capitalisation.) Would we still talk about puns and Dr. Who and our random opinions on even more random topics? Would we still play taboo? Or would we, by then, have fallen into lame questions about money?

Not that I'm saying money's bad. Heck, money makes the earth turn - together with physics, of course - but there's something nasty about meeting up after so long and bringing up starting salaries.

I guess I'll find out when I'm older - and wiser, or so they say.

The Point of Apples

2011-09-02T09:07:00.002+08:00

I don't like reasons that include defamation - I don't know, they seem juvenile. So whenever my reasons for something include not being happy or comfortable with other people, I try to find other ways to explain myself.

I couldn't really think of anything yesterday and little Indo-bro saw right through me.

"It's okay, I mean, you argue a lot, but ultimately he respects you"

That's the point, isn't it? I don't believe in that, in treating people terribly when the pressures are high. I struggle with it myself, true, but I can tell when you won't even bother to rein it in. I think you can see the true heart of people when you see the monsters they become under pressure. Rudeness is inexcusable just because we ended with a great show. The ends don't always justify the means and vice versa. You don't excuse a crash landing because of a good flight and you don't justify terrible manoeuvering in the air because you arrived alive.

At least, I don't.

I am not angry, darling, not even bitter, but I could not go for at times I stave off regret only with the sensation of flying, flipping in the air, for I just don't want to be faced with triggers of memories that ended with rejection, for I fought the good fight and ended well at a cost that I am now reconsidering.

I would rather keep you all crystallised in my mind with the snippets of pleasantry I can recall, with the moments of goodness and art that struck me, and not with an event, that however meaningful and beautiful, will just be another way of whitewashing old cracks.

Or to quote our beloved Frost, for I am done with apple-picking now and I have many more miles to go - in this econs book, particularly.

You Know Why the Caged Bird Sings?

2011-08-29T21:22:00.002+08:00

I've heard and seen our IOC text by Maya Angelou get a lot of flack for being all sorts of things. I'm not going to try to contest that point by point since I think people will always differ on what good literature is, but for what it's worth, I liked the book.

I suppose for some, the plot was really messy or maybe the scenes weren't so nicely written, but I don't know - I actually thought it was pretty good. Maybe I'm just lame like that or maybe I'm just too appreciative like that, but I do know that I read tonnes as a kid and not silly, kiddy stuff, but Dostoevsky, you know? Orczy and Crichton and more.

On a related note, it's easy to misconstrue everything once you've decided at some point to detest it.

I know the book is about her struggles and that makes it a downer, but somehow, reading it felt like it was also a book about triumph. For people who've ever been picked on or disadvantaged because of gender, race, and appearances, Maya Angelou gives us hope.

*shrug* I should probably go study physics. Happy holiday-filled week, guys :)

Post-Its

2011-08-28T16:45:00.001+08:00

They're so cute and they're recyclable and 86% biodegradable :)

Bamboo Gel Ink Pens and Carton Post-it Case

Knocked into a beautiful friend from secondary school who loved post-its. She's much, much skinnier now. I could see her clavicles and her shoulder blades from the back.

Darling, darling, I hope you're okay. Being skinny isn't what'll make you lovely. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.

Slinky

2011-08-27T12:44:00.000+08:00

Finally cleaned up my stuff since Year 5 - or at least sorted them by subject. I'll try throwing them away as I get to each subject while revising for prelims.

Finally finished my English and French oral exams. I think the relief after each were indescribable, really. I'll probably write about them another day - oh, the irony.

Going out now for lunch and to study Physics. It's kind of exciting :D

I'll fill this post up better later *slinks*

Macs

2011-08-21T08:56:00.001+08:00

On Yahoo! there's an article about a dude who complained on the McDonalds Facebook page about the Ramadan breaking of fast chant playing in one of the outlets and it sparked a huge reply from netizens.

I find it heartwarming that so many people defended our Muslim brothers and sisters because hey, when you come here at Secondary 3, you get the overwhelming feeling that people think national education is all just fluff. Here though, you see the success of at the very least, the main ideas it wishes to promote - in this case being racial harmony.

I guess it made me a bit sad that someone chose to comment that as Singaporeans, they should unite, close ranks, and go against FTs instead... and people liked the comment.

Yeah, it's the whole foreign talent issue again and I guess you could say I'm unnecessarily touchy about it, but truthfully, after seeing dozens of such comments in fittopost, you get used to the idea that for some people, you simply aren't wanted in the country.

It just reminded me too of what the minister said when he came to talk at our school. Singapore without the foreigners would be like BPL without the foreigners. I can't speak for all foreigners since a good number of us do do stupid things, but a good number of us try our best not to either. It's okay to admit that FTs are not all good, but it's not fair to categorise people as all bad. Dozens of schools teach To Kill a Mockingbird here and didn't that ever teach you anything?

I guess it all boils down to what Roomie and I always ask about popular kids and regular kids, locals and foreigners, Opposition members and people from the PAP - why can't we all just get along?

Rose of Sharon

2011-08-20T23:02:00.001+08:00

While feeling worn down awhile ago, I popped open my Bible and it came to this page I'd never seen before.

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.

Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.

Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
Isaiah 35

God is good ♥

Pointe

2011-08-15T20:41:00.001+08:00

So FOA's over and it's really back to the real world with English and French IOC and prelims and all. I'd post for closure, but something tells me a post won't be enough. Only time will tell and until then, I've a lot of extracts to finish.

Smooth rides do not excuse crash landings nor do perfect arrivals make up for turbulence. Just a thought. But we'll enjoy what's left of this trip, shan't we?

Truly though, in all things, Your hand has been so kind. To You be our glory, the best is yet to be.

Show Time

2011-08-10T21:52:00.001+08:00

Somewhere between my two chicken sandwiches and a cup of milk, I had this strong urge to get back to my fanfic that has been dying since the Christmas vacation before IB. Of course, it's an urge that will totally be ignored, but nonetheless, I will get back to it.

This is just a marker to remind me :D

In other news, it's two days to our first show day and well, I'm really glad it's almost over, I really am.

Let's go, DV.

Peace

2011-08-09T19:36:00.003+08:00

Here we go again and now it’s London.

Another city that tweets and hashtags and tumblr posts and fb statuses will be all ablaze about in the #prayforinsertcityhere fashion, soon to be forgotten in a week or two.

We need to start thinking about the big picture, guys, and pray for the whole world. Then we need to take action and by that I mean be nice in our daily lives because peace starts in small steps, in happy schools and workplaces that make happy cities and happy countries and happy continents.

Peace is not reblogging sexist or racist ideas. Peace is promoting self-respect instead of self-harm. Peace is listening to people, opening doors for others, not cutting queues, sharing what we do have, returning plates in school canteens, and doing our best in our activities. It’s in the little things.

Maybe peace wouldn’t be so hard if we all tried.

Come on, guys, we can do it :)

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

2011-08-09T19:11:00.000+08:00

I used to watch the National Day Parade with my hostel mates when I still lived in my previous hostel, but Roomie and I don't really use the tv in this new one, so we won't be seeing the fireworks this year. Never really minded what everyone called propaganda or whatnot because at the very least, I kind of appreciated the great effort all the performers and military people put into preparing for the event. That and I liked the pledge bit and whenever they'd sing Home - everyone likes Home best, I think :) - and the fireworks.

I like the fireworks *shrug*

Well this evening, I'm spending it with Roomie at Starbucks over omelette bagels and dark mocha frappes and english extracts to analyse. The ratio is 1:1:25 - someone is laughing in the far distance in the soundtrack of my life ^^ I think that's one of the loveliest things Singapore has given me: the ability to go out and enjoy the day to day in relative comfort and fullness.

I know it's not the most impressive thing, but it means a lot to me so thank you, Singapore. Happy National Day :)

Sensibility

2011-08-05T22:29:00.002+08:00

Mr. C, awesome English teacher extraordinaire, and his random references to various literary texts are quite impressive in the sense that he's not really trying to impress you, but is rather, giving you a taste of the range of expression and understanding available when you read widely and intelligently.

Though I still disagree with him on one point, Jane Austen's works - excluding Pride and Prejudice - were bleh. Maybe I just don't have the cultural capital and the sense of the romantic aspect of adult nature to appreciate what the book are about for now. I'll try again one day >_>

Ah well, I'm struck again by how little I've read that's out of syllabus since I arrived in Singapore, except for that lucky patch in Secondary 3 when time was on my side. It's just that there's never enough time, I guess. If there's one thing I've learned here, however, it's not how much you've read, but what you do while reading and after you finish the book. I mean, it's one thing to seemingly inhale novels, but it's another thing to really digest which parts of human experience the author is sharing.

SWOOSH~ Well, enough of failed attempts at intellect. Lemme go finish those dance emails now. Bloop bloop.

Sparkly

2011-08-04T20:46:00.001+08:00

What really had me going today wasn't how items were or how there was no sense of urgency or whatnot. I understood perfectly the challenge of today.

What really ticked me off was that maybe I'm foolish and young and I don't know much, but is it that wrong to wish that adults did the right thing? Am I putting on airs in thinking such?

I had brilliant points in my head while walking home, but now, it's just me and this keyboard and the sad realisation that I have nothing to say, nothing that could possibly impress you, and I should probably just go back to my last batch of economics IAs. It's not that I don't care, I just don't see how I could help you.

"I learned a long time ago that there's no sense gettin' all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should."
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

Trains and Foghorns

2011-08-04T04:23:00.001+08:00

Slept around 8 last night, up at 2:30 in the morning.

The air has been quite still, except for those moments when the foghorns would fill the air with a full, solid note.

Sat in the train in the playground yesterday afternoon, forced by a friend to think. I might not finish my essay before dawn, but everything's a little bit clearer, calmer after that. Just a bit, but that's okay.

Hello, sun. I'll see you when you get up.

Grawr

2011-08-01T18:34:00.000+08:00

To you dolts who make fun of classmates going through the Ramadan,

It might not have occurred to you, but they're tougher than you and it's not a joke. Don't you think it takes real trust and love for God to embark on this act of faith?

You talk about being Christian... so what happened to brotherly love and respect?

Jerks.

Expelliarmus

2011-07-31T20:51:00.002+08:00

Watched the last installment of the Harry Potter saga with Jack and Joy today - srsly, people, you just had to have alliterative online pseudonyms - and it was lovely. Roomie went off to Starbucks to study so it was a decidedly fanhappy affair :)

As usual, the film was not a hundred percent in sync with the books, but it was lovely. Of course, I'd rather have had the true end to the Elder Wand and Snape's defense during the final fight between Harry and Lord Voldemort and the final conversation with Dumbledore's portrait and an a more drawn out Epilogue, but it will do. It was lovely and honest and I can only imagine how challenging it is handling a multi-billion dollar industry, trying to please millions of fans worldwide with such a limited time period. Of course, this cast has never failed me :)

I guess the whole my-childhood-is ending-thingy on Tumblr and elsewhere has not really hit me because I never really thought of this movie as the end. Fanfic lives on, as does the retelling of the tale to countless friends and essays and merchandise ~~I BOUGHT A POTTER SHIRT TODAY~~ and the latest craze, Pottermore. Maybe one day, I'll get to read Harry Potter to my own kids and then they to their own kids.

That's the real magic, the beauty of the whole epic and how it can be loved by so many people in so many places. There was a time when as a child, I was slightly resentful of other fans, as I have heard many fans have been because, I guess, it feels like your special world is being encroached upon. It takes time and maturity to realise that the ability of the whole franchise to be loved so much is the reason for its power.

Besides, as it said in the end, all was well, all is well and indeed, all will be well.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Rowling. Happy Birthday, Harry, darling.

Fete

2011-07-30T23:02:00.000+08:00

We watched Drama's Festival of Arts performance yesterday and Guitar/Choir's today and there's really something uplifting about the arts. They make you want to go practice some more and be able to let people feel that same joy and sorrow and truth and dignity and pride.

It's something sort of magical, really.

White Light

2011-07-27T20:39:00.001+08:00

I stepped off the bus earlier this evening, deleting old messages from my poor, poor phone when I noticed glaring bright light coming from my left. There's normally a row of houses along my path home, all generally of the same size and colour and composition and nothing really notable other than the fact that they're landed residences in a country with limited land resources.

Looking up today, though, I saw for the first time one of them with its gates open, strong, white light streaming out along with funeral wreaths, tables covered with plastic sheets, and white tents watching over the empty driveway.

There's some sort of dramatic irony going on in that this was the first time I realised people lived in that place - when they're mourning a death. It brings to mind the sad reality that lives are often celebrated after they had ended, when we remember the good things about people often after they're gone. Morbid stuff, but maybe that's just because I'm young.

I'd write a poem or something, but I have several of others' poems to analyse. Ah, IB.

On a random note, it's charity cafe tomorrow :D Nachos and cheese *melts*

Pun intended :P

Breathe Me

2011-07-26T21:13:00.001+08:00

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Sia

I like the choreo of this item, if only for the fact that it does evoke a - pardon my ripping off of English class - deep sense of pathos... and the vampire shuffle is all sorts of pretty in my eyes. I think them contemp dancers do a brilliant job of it.

♪ I have been here many times before ♫ Long nights, longer days. At least it'll be over soon.

Mr. Rabbit

2011-07-25T20:15:00.002+08:00

Angsty? Really? I like to think of it as quiet, or just calm. I'd rather conserve my best energies for worthier pursuits, worthier people.

Do you know what it's like to stand there, asking them to come closer, deciding whether you should give them the advice in your head or just let them do another run?

It's the great debate again: on one hand, nobody's really listening and they probably find you even more irritating for saying something, but on the other hand, continuous runs without feedback never helped anyone get any better. And they don't seem to understand – they never did anyway, though not that you blame them – that this is your one last stand; this is the last way in which you show you care about them.

After all, this is good, hard earned advice, collated after three years of no one really telling you what to do, but somehow everyone expecting you to be good. Nobody ever cut you slack anyway like you do for them. Remember that time you got yelled at for not knowing how to run across a stage? Never mind the fact that that was the first contemporary dance you'd done in your life. You didn't even know how to maintain your demi-pointe in those days. Remember that time you were threatened to get cut out of the item if you didn't figure out the lift? Never mind that so many other girls couldn't do it; for some reason, you had to know how.

That seems like ages ago now.

But today, you have that tiny blob of knowledge and you're willing to give it away. If you could, you'd give everyone mad skills in dancing, but since you can't, your next best thing is sharing what made you improve – whatever it was that gave you the guts to actually stand there and speak to them anyway.

It's something you can't help, but feel: that they resent your comments, you being in front, just the superfluity of you. Maybe you're just too sensitive, maybe this society has simply trained people to shut off when someone's in front, but whatever it is, you feel stupid there, thinking old thoughts like that they're probably lumping you together with other individuals who treat you no better. Nonetheless, you know how they feel because you'd rather be anywhere, but there too. The irony would make Shakespeare proud.

Mr. Rabbit, it's great that you're there for me as you kindly said, but how does that help me? Moral support without actions is just about as useless as flattery. We can do a brilliant lift, true, but you could have never caught me had I really fallen.

As a reward for your persistence though, let me tell you what truly bothers me. Everything above fades with time, mere minutes even soo it is this: simply that if I could go back in time, dear Sir, I would have never jumped into the rabbit's hole. Or I would have seen it for what it really was and not closed my eyes like the lamb at the butcher's. I would have walked to the slaughter with my eyes open.

Pulpitos

2011-07-24T16:48:00.002+08:00

Not too sure why I'm posting this, but it appears that Roomie and I are knocked out on our beds after I had a lovely time at Kid's Church with my babies and a wonderful lunch charitably donated by Hannah's mum at a Spanish restaurant. I don't suppose the octopodes have secret somnolence-inducing ingredient in them, other than being really squishy, but oh well, I'm finally awake two hours after getting home with decidedly less time to do work.

Well again, the week ahead is a bit daunting, but we've been here before. Too many times before.

I did like today's lesson for the kiddoes though. Shared this video that I've posted here before with them too - I mean, it's never to early to start knowing the basics, right?

God is love.

1 John 4:8

...and knowing that someone loves us infinitely so helps us through the great days and the not-so-great weeks. Have a happy week ahead.

Week 5

2011-07-23T23:23:00.000+08:00

...for lack of a better title.

It's been a pretty uneventful event-filled week, if you get down to the nuances of those descriptors. We got our results back and I'm really pleased that our bunch did well - especially Joy, but let's not embarrass her further by broadcasting her points. Dance practices have been going along swimmingly as we get into the final stretch before our annual concert. Racial Harmony Day, of course, was like Year 6 on crack and I, for now, choose to turn a blind eye to the social implications of some of the costumes on display and will just be amazed at our cohort being so united over something.

If there's one thing I've appreciated about living here, it's eating lunch at a table hosting two Filipinas, one American, one Brit, two Vietnamese, one Indonesian, and the occasional mix of Indians and all the manner of Singaporeans.

Happy Racial Harmony Day, folks. Now let me get back to math homework.

By Grace

2011-07-18T21:16:00.002+08:00

It's one of those posts with a lot of I's. Pardon me in advance.

I should probably be working on the pile of work I've listed out, but I really want to get this out and off of me before I started work - albeit the topic being slightly sensitive and in a place that I freely associate with my real life self - but here goes: I was talking with Roomie on the bus today and out of nowhere came this flow of feelings that I hadn't realised I'd kept pent up; I think it has finally hit me that I look back on my year in a leadership position with a lot of regret.

My term did not start well to begin with: with the odious task of trying to prove my worth. I'd never truly believed in the need to prove ability or whatnot, but it was like the blinking bulb in the room or the pink elephant in the corner - you had to somehow be good enough to be at the top. The idea of leaders as servants had always appealed to me, but in the rush to finish preparations for the Teacher's Day performance, I brushed aside what I truly felt for a while and called on reserves of natural chutzpah to smile through stage rehearsals while seething through studio practices.

SYF was little different from that time - only protracted. Now the steps were harder and though the higher ups needed little actual effort, the emotional requirements were never really listed in the job description. Never mind that the entirety of my dance background consisted of a single song in Year 3, being a girl meant you had to be better for some reason. Somehow, in the midst of the pressure to excel, my highly logical mind went haywire and decided that being skinny would make me a better dancer. If I failed in my pirouettes or I wasn't likable enough to talk to or I couldn't split, at the very least no one could fault me when being lifted. Never would a partner be able to complain that they couldn't do partner work with me because I was too difficult to lift and as long as I did partner work, I would be of some value. I never reached the point of anorexia, but I dropped to being three kilos away from being underweight with a negative body image to boot.

There came a point of course when I simply stopped caring. It was actually the best part of the whole SYF experience when I stopped cleaning up people, stopped talking to people, stopped meeting the others for meals after rehearsals. Nobody noticed, of course, but it was wonderful being able to control what happened, limiting the instances when I'd feel bad by distancing myself. It was the freest I'd felt in a long time and the ability to shut off during rehearsals was a relaxing experience.

Then the juniors came in - and I'm not blaming them or anything - but there was this need to be enthusiastic. I had to give a damn during orientation and camps and meet-ups and whatnot. I couldn't stay in the safety of my shell and it was time to go back to the brine, open wounds and all. I'm not really sure what they think or how it's been for them. All I know is that everyone always feels this sense of dislocation and I don't really know how to express that it's no different wherever you stand in the whole scheme of things. A day last week was different though when finally, due to an unexpected mixing of events, I had an unusual amount of information on my hands, which I then disseminated.

My own brand of leadership since I'd moved overseas had always been quiet, logistical, and transparent. I'd always believed in developing character above achieving awards. I always thought that everyone being happy was a lot greater than a shiny medal and the service was more important than rule. Somehow, in the midst of the year that has passed, I never seemed to have shown this. I was loud, I was awkward, and some part of me hates not that I compromised, but that I simply forgot myself.

I have been overwhelmed since that day with the staggering sense of being superfluous - of doing simply tasks that I would have done anyway regardless of being anyone and it had me wondering why on earth I'd ever been placed where I am anyway. Like someone better should have been put there. I don't know --- I always tried to live without regrets - that is, I do awkward things, try weird activities, say off-tangent stuff sometimes because I don't want to live with the big what-ifs. So I don't regret dance or this position or anything.

At least not in my head. I know God puts us in different situations to help us grow, to learn things, to touch people and be molded by them. That of course, does not remove the worldly confusion or the desire to simply be out of it.

I'm looking back at the year that zoomed by and at the month ahead and I don't really know what's going on or how I'm going to crystallize what God intended for me to learn, but the one that comes clearly to mind in the midst of this utter lack of answers is what Daniel said all those weeks ago -

"Worship, real worship, is done in the midst of the storm."

There is no storm now, all is calm if I am to be honest. If I am to really, really summarise the past half-year, it's not really terrible at all. But there's a desert, perhaps, and in the midst of trying to do the right thing, I'd forgotten where God fit in in all this.

When I started out as nothing, I used to dance for Him because I knew I wasn't good enough to dance for anybody's appreciation. I used to dance because, like a senior said, I could let someone else feel that joy of self-expression in a song brought to life by dance. I think I need to get back to that place where dance was a form of worship, not an obligation.

Well, I don't really know where to go from here other than downstairs for roll call then a bath then some work, but I think the hour spent clearing my mind was well-spent. I apologise if this kind of killed your dashboard or the un-poetic emotional outflow killed your buzz. Let's see how the next few weeks unfold, shall we :)

Rhetoric

2011-07-16T17:52:00.001+08:00

I was taking a break from sending e-mails when it just came to mind that perhaps my English teacher finds our voices grating.

The other day in class, he calmly pronounced a certain word differently from how we said it when we asked him a question and it struck me that given the precision with which he grasped the language, perhaps the odd nuances of our manner of speaking that deviate from his irritate him.

... or maybe they used to. After all, he has been living overseas for several years. It's funny though because given how certain strata of society look down on other races or nationalities for their unusual pronunciation or cadence ~~Like that lady from The Noose who does a terrible version of the Filipino accent. I mean, if you're poking fun at something, might as well do it accurately, right?~~, they might find in said teacher someone who might be just that much better than them - or us.

Just a thought.

On an unrelated note, the deluge of Harry Potter material on Tumblr is killing my poor fangirl soul. Final IAs, IOC, FOA and all that jazzy mix of abbreviations, however, are helping me keep my emotions in check. I think I'll think about it when I have the time. Like in 4 months.

Now back to those extracts *grabs King Lear*

Fitspo

2011-07-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

Well I did plan to get back to normal this term, especially since Festival of Arts is in a month's time, but today was definitely one heck of a welcome back.

>3km run, insane warm-ups from enthusiastic junies, and a hyperactive song - all of which are now especially challenging after a month of stagnancy.

Ah, but it's good to be back in action. ~~Mixed idiom!~~

Let's get healthy and not just skinny :)

Post Mortem

2011-07-13T01:10:00.001+08:00

Lovely weekend with lots of sun and eating and pretty things, but a terrible end though because of hostel madness. Anyway, it will be okay. We're going back to the grind tomorrow, thankfully slightly more refreshed.

Thank God for good food, better friends, and His great love.

What does that physics teacher from the other classes say?

Oh yes, life goes on.

Pay it Forward

2011-07-10T02:19:00.001+08:00

Roomie and I stopped by an ice-creamery-that-shall-not-be-named today after dinner and had a funny, but awkwardly sad encounter. It started when we wanted to pass by Cold Stone actually, but the queue was longer than Ana Hickman's legs so we opted to venture elsewhere.

We'd also promised to take a picture with our theoretical cones, but ended up asking this random staff member who was cleaning up in the ice-creamery-that-shall-not-be-named if he could take our picture. He did so really politely, but he looked so exhausted - probably because it was a quarter of an hour before closing time - and my heart really went out to him. Since Roomie agreed, we pooled together five bucks to buy a cup of ice cream for him.

While telling the lady at the counter though, she couldn't seem to understand and came to the conclusion that we either had a crush on the dude or felt coerced to do so - both of which kind of destroyed our intended moment of unplanned goodwill. She eventually did get it though, but it was an awkward sort of parting.

Well, whatever, I liked their cookie dough. I hope the ice cream made his day end a little better, at least.

Bubbles

2011-07-08T13:43:00.001+08:00

It's done.

I'm not really in the celebratory mood – not because I feel bad about the papers or anything, but I guess, I'm just tired. It's been a good seven months since we had any semblance of a break and more than a party, I think this weekend's more of a long bubble bath than a beach fest – though we are going to the beach on Sunday, but that's beside the point.

Going to Dance in twenty minutes, I should probably get changed.

If there's one thing I can take away from this season – God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

Oh no

2011-06-26T20:42:00.003+08:00

It's the end of the June Hols.

I'm kind of excited for the next two weeks though, testing my mettle and a bit more of just thinking and little less of just knowing. Let's see how far that takes us, shall we?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Ah, never mind binary thinking.

I'll chase the awesome post-exam weekend we've all got planned out and a proper 5 in everything so I can work for a 6 by prelims and well, see what the actual IB's bring. Good times :)

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Chris Tomlin

Let's do this xD

I'm Going to Study Hard

2011-06-26T18:31:00.003+08:00

so that I can honour God with the intellect He has gifted me with
so I can give back to my parents something, however little
because people pay taxes to educate me
because knowledge is beautiful
so I can inspire others to strive for excellence
because I don't want to be a noob when my future kids ask me questions
so that no one can say my friends or the time I spend with them is a mistake
to honour teachers who've met me along my way
so my friends who study hard ~~hello roomie~~ never have to feel alone in this
to get to a good university that will help me grow
then I can do bigger things one day that can change how people think
so that I can prove that it's about hard work not background
then I'll be more equipped for a job that I love and that helps people
because then I can earn money to bless people with
so that I can understand God's creation more
since this is what I'm meant to do with this period in my life
because this is my act of worship
so that I'll stay broadminded with an open heart
to learn how others think and decide whether I agree and disagree
since ignorance breeds fear and hate and bigotry
to make myself proud

It's not so bad that way. See you in 2 weeks :)

Drive

2011-06-26T17:50:00.001+08:00

Cab operator: Where to?
Me: Oh, um.. Vivo City.
Cab operator: Ah, Vivo. I thought Lucky Plaza.

Asshole. No, seriously. I don't really dig online cussing, but you, Mister, are a jerk. The girl I was with had no Filipino blood, you presumptuous twat. Yes, I know that saying nasty things about you just speaks of how terrible my nature is, but let me be this one time.

People think the maid jokes are funny and maybe I let them slide because honestly, I understand where you're coming from. But just remember, the nationality or race or gender you have is something you're born with, but personality and character are choices. I might come from a country stuck in the poverty cycle, but you, my good Sir, are still a jerk.

The Force

2011-06-20T00:28:00.000+08:00

I'd post a picture of me and my dad, but I don't have one :(

Ah well, such is life.

I don't really think we need a picture, right?

Behind every successful guy is allegedly a wonderful woman, but behind mum's success and mine is a quietly brilliant, man. Your love's unconditional. It beats the force any day, pa :D

Happy Father's Day.

For old time's sake though,

May the Force be with you :D

Thick Binder Thingys

2011-06-16T11:54:00.002+08:00

This is me and my physics ten-year series :) If you don't know yet, I plan to build planes one day or teach physics at pre-u so physics is kiiind of relevant. Kind of, you know?

It's been a nice couple of days of studying. Hypothesis testing comparatively makes sense now and guess I just like the feeling of learning a new bit of math.

Roomie and I had dinner at a French restaurant yesterday called "La Petite Cuisine." Not bad, actually. Rather expensive though, but quite worth the quality. Having a homemade English breakfast for lunch wasn't half bad either.

Good food, better company.

God made the nicest things in life decidedly low-tech, methinks.

Opportunity Cost

2011-06-15T08:11:00.001+08:00

Is this how our society begins to fall? Where did our youthful vigour and vitality go?

We keep falling asleep, you see. In class, at home while studying, on the bus, I see teenagers sleeping.

I can almost imagine adults saying that since students have succeeded before us then we can do this too. We can push ourselves and whatnot and I don't doubt that. The real question though is, “Is it right?”

I think I'll go back to the questions I might still be able to answer. Seeing as I'm done with Physics, hello, Math.

Maybe that's all there is to it – being excited rather than scared.

As a Child

2011-06-14T11:26:00.002+08:00

I always thought that if I knew the answer, I'd solved the problem. With math as my waterloo, such a fixation or binary method of thought might, I suppose, be normal. If something wasn't the problem, it was the answer.. or something totally irrelevant.

I suppose it's partially why we try to pin down the reasons behind our emotions. With feelings being so potent and powerful, it's hard not to make them tangible or at least, find the question behind our answer. I've been trying to find that myself, these past few days, why after months of wanting to just sit down and study, now that I have the time to do so, I have suddenly lost the interest.

I feared for a while that it was burn-out, but we've been there, before haven't we, Mr. Bloggy - and while this is similar, it's different. The texture of this apathetic ennui is not like parched paper, but more akin to torrential rains. It's not the dryness of the soul that characterises such times.

Where there is no faith, there is fear.

I think it's simply fear. Fear of sailing this ship going under. It's never fun to fight on the losing side, to know even before one has begun studying that one will never finish. Not this time at least. Once upon a time, my main concern was not having enough time or energy to excel. Now, I fear not having the time or energy to pass. It's easy to say that it's the flight, not the target that counts for the arrow, but really, when it's one's own future at stake, it's not so cool. I think I'll have to take a page out of Atticus' book and take this flight as a test of courage then and not intellect.

Where there is no faith, there is fear.

Children are taught fear, methinks. That's why toddlers willingly fling themselves around or touch sockets. They don't fear breaking things or themselves being broken. They have faith that nothing will go wrong. Can I bring myself to do that so that I might actually study? Study for the sake of catching up and learning new things, not for an exam that I know I may very well screw up?

I told off a friend the other day for not having enough faith in God, but something tells me I should preach to myself too.

Where there is no faith, there is fear.

Inner Workings

2011-06-13T08:48:00.000+08:00

Here we go again. Exams are right up in July and the usual jitters are coming and going like the tide - or my food cravings.

What can I say? I guess I wish I had more time to study over-all. No, really. I wish I had more time because somehow everything's been eaten up by daily rehearsals and extra classes that didn't really help because much as they were well-meaning, they messed up my schedule. I guess it doesn't help either that there's this exhaustion that had remained latent throughout the two weeks, but now that I'm free of obligations I keep falling asleep or oversleeping.

That's why I've decided not to overstretch myself for the mid-years. I will just study faithfully everyday and do okay and I will be satisfied with what I get for this round. There's still the prelims and the actual exams to contend with and to burn out at the start of the race is a rather pathetic way to fail. I realised the other day - or is it re-realised :D - that the root of a lot of fear is our unnecessary striving to prove things to people. With nothing to lose, I have everything to gain, by simply revising and trying to do my best at the moment.

There's a fine line between my over-all best and the best of what I have now.

Helping out with a friend's bro's DSA application reminded me of mine. I never promised the school I'd be academically brilliant. I'm seriously not the type. I just said I'd make the spot offered to me count by trying everything and helping out in anything. I think it's time I went back to where I started from, what I used to say and believe in.

For starters, I used to believe in me and my decisions and in the fact that everyone can be different if they stand their ground.

Now let's see how far that takes me this time.

Cream Puff

2011-06-05T19:40:00.001+08:00

I’ve run the whole gamut in the past month, methinks, from breathing problems to nausea to fever and an infection.

Much as it hurts, it’s not so bad, really. I think the thought that struck me the most in this period of illness was when roomie and I braved the torrential downpour under the disgustingly pink umbrella she thoughtfully bought for me and I was reminded that pain is temporary and in the greater scheme of things, if I were to compare my throat to say, the injuries of a land mine victim or Jesus’s 39 stripes, it isn’t really anything.

Perhaps spiritually I’ve been out of it, but God’s been faithful still. In the midst of the haze - both literally and figuratively lol - friends have been lovely enough to joke with me about it or lend their laps for naps or buy me cream puffs or just bless me with their goodness.

I’m thankful, guys, I really am.

Together We Cry

2011-05-30T21:25:00.000+08:00

For children dying and friends who must watch their hearts stop, for teenagers who think there's only one way out, for politics and those who must suffer its painful pervasiveness, for rude adults and young girls who don't know better, for prejudice and judgement, for the sad ones.

~~For idiots who seem to walk around with a sign on their forehead that says, “Hello, tell me your problems.”~~

I found this sheet that Anna wrote on way back in Secondary 3 when she was teaching me this song. After all this time, you're still a blessing, darling.

With You

With You, I am, always with You.
You hold me tight, Your hand in mine.
You bring all things to a good end.
You lead me on in Your good pleasure.
What is heaven to me without You?
Where am I on earth, if You are not there?
Though my body is broken down,
though my heart dies, You are my Rock.
My God, the future that waits for me?
Far away from You, life is not life.
To break faith with You is to be no one.
With You, my highest Rock, always with You.
I am secure.

The End

2011-05-28T17:30:00.001+08:00

No, not really.

I mean, it's just the end of term 2, but then again, seniors have always said that term 2 is the most intense part of IB with the mad rush of assessed requirements to satisfy and now that it's over, we're all still standing. For me, perfect schedule and planning notwithstanding, every weekend had me feeling like I was dangling from a fraying rope above a black, endless pit. I guess A-Level kids have it a bit better because they don't have this madness of submission after submission and endless piles of papers to satisfy that will count to our final diploma. They do, however, have their futures riding fully on one set of exams so I don't think I'm too keen on that either - at least, for my learning style.

Now that the holidays are here, it's time to sit down and get more work done. I'd really like to consolidate all our lessons over the next month and truth be told, I'm not sure how I can finish everything in the month even if I studied for twelve hours a day every day of June and we all know that I won't be able to keep up that kind of lifestyle for a month, even if I wanted to. I mean, I love studying, but I'm not really one of those model academic types, you know? There's still two weeks of dance everyday to prepare the Festival of Arts and I'd like to get some rest and spend time with friends before the last leg towards the IB November papers. I'm guessing the latter bit will have to take a backseat because of exams.

Yesterday was an odd mix of events. It was kind of pissing off when I went to the water cooler to fill up my bottle and it just happened to be near the popular kids' table. I could distinctly feel the weight of their conversation and their stares on me. Seriously, guys, your high school tendencies are so puerile, I should give out pacifiers to you. If my twin tails bother you, look away. Otherwise, I can't possibly imagine what would interest you about me. Even I know I'm geekily boring. Anyway, never mind them, the canteen was redeemed by the parents giving away the leftovers from the teachers' appreciation lunch and our less than subtle attack on the buffet table. (Y)

On a less academic note, got the salsa item and the burlesque jazz item with two good friends and that makes me happy :) I'm really not cut out for contemporary dance. I'm glad the ballerinas got that item because I can foresee that they'll do splendidly.

I'd wrap up term 2 now for some closure, but it doesn't quite feel finished, you know? I mean, it feels finished enough that I've been cleaning my room and slacking all day, but I know I'll be back to work tomorrow and that won't stop for the next month, so I can't quite say I have a holiday yet, can I?

Onward, IB kids, onward.

Pointe

2011-05-25T03:44:00.001+08:00

What I love most about my literature class is listening to my classmates as they analyse the pieces. I suppose some might think it intimidating to be constantly reminded of one's inferiority to one's peers in this aspect, but I find it refreshing how they perceive the same poem differently each time. One of my favourite aspects of listening is hearing choice diction (pardon the pun) and beautiful use of language in analysing its own products. Words that never seem to see the light of daily conversations (pardon that pun too) shine like dew on trees – soft, sparkling glitter on the rich green of our laughter (and watch that third pun that'd only make sense in the Philippines just run by, why don't you?).

I don't like the sense in which this analysis is part of the humanities, in the sense that people are competing to present this same text in an entirely unique and revelatory way that shall outwit all competition. I don't like the sense of literary device collections wherein each critic is considered more skilled depending on the number of devices and variations he can find by himself.

No, no. As a poet, let me tell you that my aim in creation is never to have it studied in fine detail. No, my aim is to impart some of the emotion or truth or essence of myself and the world as I see it.

It's the same for dance, I would say. I guess it gets to me sometimes, having to play catch-up all the time. It's like that for a lot of us, isn't it? Not having started stretching early enough, we spend ages just trying to get close to a split or to gain enough strength in motion. Not being naturally the type to lead, we push ourselves just to get there.

But we don't do this for such things just because someone out there's analysing our technique, right?

We dance for love and life and the ability to share some of that innate joy of being on stage to our audience. I've always thought every talent had a certain impression of joy because our God who gives talents is a God of happiness and everything He created has some impression of that. Since he gave us the gift of dancing, we understand the special sense that comes with it, just as singers find that joyful element of singing and sportsmen feel that unique rush in sports.

We dance because it frees us from the confines of our physical existence with the very body that confines. I dance because I might embarrass awkward turtles with how I blunder through my school days, but when I stand in front of the studio mirror, for those 3 hours, I'm bigger than my insecurities and insufficiency. I create art in the very space I occupy, regardless of the fact that I still can't split and my pointe could use some work. I mean, really, who cares?

~~So why do you want to take that away from me?~~

Who cares, indeed.

Puff

2011-05-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

It's a bit queer when friends in university back home get vacations and breaks and think that I'm having an easier time since I'm just in pre-university, but then IB work is non-stop here from January until November...

and by non-stop, I actually mean the suffocating-five-in-the-morning-to-midnight-every-day-including-weekends type of non-stop.

If I should die before I wake
It’s ‘cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh.
Jordin Sparks

Not being able to breathe - literally - seems kind of funny, I guess, given the way I go about it and after all this time, it gets easier when the bouts happen- but there really is a special sort of feeling when one is reminded of the value of a single breath of air.

In the midst of all this mess, at least we’re still breathing and that puts things into perspective. Like whether having breaks really matters or honestly, who cares which programme is more demanding? I think I shall cease to.

Pink Dot

2011-05-19T21:07:00.000+08:00

One of the loveliest initiatives in Singapore and one that I feel truly comes from the heart.

Support the freedom to love ♥

Retrospect

2011-05-17T07:48:00.002+08:00

To rip-off a friend, perhaps this is how we begin to end, slowly surrendering the assessments of our youth - or essays of IB, whichever the case may be.

I have nothing much to post, truth be told, only that I foresee the June holidays being filled with work and that the weather's been terrible these past few weeks. Come to think of it, months even.

The Year 5's are back post-overseas community service trip and we see, as my English ~~literally, mind you~~ teacher would like to say,

*insert lofty British accent here*
the cyclical nature of human experience
*end lofty British accent here*

or something ostensibly deep like that.

I suppose, in retrospect, I would have done a lot of things differently along my IB journey, but in retrospect of retrospect ahah! a conundrum *gasp*, it would not have been the year and a half I had known it to be had I not gone about it in the way I did... ~~does that even make grammatical sense. pardon me if it doesn't D:~~

Of course, the whole course of study is far from over and I shan't let faux calm strip me of the learning potential, but for today, I shall rest and do work with the assurance of having finished that first tumultuous year (and in two weeks, another half!) and tomorrow, we fight again the plausibly good fight.

Though I must admit, I do miss the long bus rides, milk tea and late night conversations in China. Never mind fears of melamine ^^

inay

2011-05-08T16:26:00.002+08:00

This is my mummy with me on the day I flew back to Singapore last December.

I've heard a lot today about the soft care and maternal concern of mothers as they take care of you and attend to your needs and love you unconditionally, but above those, today I honor my mum for being made of sterner stuff. My mummy is a tough lady of distinction in her choices and character. I think tenderness and love are beautiful in their own right, but it takes a special dose of strength to teach willpower and fortitude to one's children through the very life one leads, to let go of one's children early, to support one's child, however unusual she might be.

~~Thank you also for being the last person to still find this blog worth commenting on.xD~~

May you continue to be a light onto others' paths as you have been for mine.

Happy Mothers' Day, Ma :) I love you.

For You

2011-05-07T21:00:00.000+08:00

who will never see this because I doubt you’d think you’re on my radar.

It’s tough, isn’t it, sweetie, feeling ugly? I know, I’ve been there too. I’m there with you now even, sweetie. Hell, I went on the weighing scale again today.

It’s one thing to know that girls all over the world share similar thoughts, it’s another thing to read it in your blog. You’re too close to home, too real.

If I could have a magic wand for one spell, I’d make everyone in the world love themselves, really love themselves, for who they are and who they’ve been and whoever they’re going to be. They’d love themselves inside and out.

If I could do another spell, I’d erase all these tumblr pages and blogs about being skinny and only feeling like someone once you’ve reached a certain number. You deserve to think better of yourself, sweetie.

It’s crazy, this society we’re all growing up in, where we’re never enough and there’s the added pressure for girls to be physically appealing. Like we’re not worth it if we’re not beautiful and thin and well-formed.

To the guys who might chance upon this, could you tell a girl she’s pretty today? Maybe it’s your mother, your sister, a friend, or a classmate. Compliment something real like her eyes or her smile or her good heart and not how little fat there is on her thighs. No, not every girl will think you have a crush on her just because you said that or you could just learn how to phrase it right. To the girls who might chance upon this as well, give a guy a real compliment too. I think they need it just as much.

Write what you yourself think because I think the internet could do with a good dose of real people thinking about these things, with people affirming the true beauty in everyone.

As for you, I’m praying for you and yes, for me too. Come to think of it, maybe for all of us. We could all use some, sweetie.

Nuncle

2011-05-07T09:14:00.000+08:00

"I discovered that to achieve perfect personal silence all I had to do was to attach myself leechlike to sound. I began to listen to everything. I probably hoped that after I had heard all the sounds, really heard them and packed them down, deep in my ears, the world would be quiet around me. I walked into rooms where people were laughing, their voices hitting the walls like stones, and I simply stood still - in the midst of the riot of sound. After a minute or two, silence would rush into the room from its hiding place because I had eaten up all the sounds."

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (p. 75) by Maya Angelou

I've said a lot of stupid things this week and I think it's a combination of being tired and careless. My mind can't seem to operate as quickly as I'd like and before I know it, I've said something again. Honest though, and often, I really mean it, but mistimed and awkward and never in the quick form and wit that I'd want.

Perhaps I need to find rest in this long weekend between the piles of work. It is said that the fool does not guard his tongue and I'd much rather not be hanged at the end of this play.

On a side note, all the best with your elections, Singapore. Vote wisely :)

But

2011-05-03T20:32:00.001+08:00

You make me feel stupid for following rules. No, I can just sense the waves of frustration coming from you when I do.

But that's not to say that I'm a herbivore - thank you, Vange, for your amazing new meaning for the noun - but there's a reason there are rules. There's a reason societies create institutions.

Your friends say that to understand you, one must get closer to you. I've tried, man, I've really tried to be nice and when that didn't work, to just stay out of your way and not talk to you unless it's absolutely necessary and I've always thought that maybe we're just two people that don't click.

But it doesn't say much about your character if you're willing to break rules just because no one's looking.

So maybe you think I'm uncool and and that's fine, dude.

But I'll keep my integrity intact, thank you.

6

2011-05-02T08:41:00.000+08:00

I love it because it's always been us six. In my year away, slowly I've found some embarrassment in being a girl - in our alleged weakness and stupidity. Yet when I'm surrounded by your stories and strength of character and opinions and laughter, I regain pride in who we were and who we are and who we might become.

I love it that when we come back together, it's not like there was a year spent apart.

I miss you, ladies.

Tides and Tunnels

2011-04-29T21:21:00.000+08:00

It's good to be back - back where the lights and flare and painful muscles are; back before the mirrors and discerning eyes; back with the music.

Maybe it'll be better this time... or maybe not, but that's that. I am content with today's session.

For a second there, one of the new kiddos couldn't sustain the drops with me and my heart sank. I'd gained some since SYF, admittedly and for a moment there, I thought it was me again. Then I got chucked over by sheer luck to an old partner and it was smoother sailing from there.

To peg one's happiness on something as ephemeral and temporary as weight is to place one's paper boat on the waves of the Zipolite.

So we put it on more eternal things. God's good - pardon the pun.

Well, whatever. The next three days are packed enough without needless drama. So happy long weekend, kiddos. See you at the other end of the tunnel :)

The Studio

2011-04-27T06:48:00.001+08:00

I stepped back in yesterday and it wasn't pretty. No, in fact, it was ugly – ugliest when juxtaposed with last year when I would herald each week's practice daily, but instead, I felt the sinking sensation of a need to escape.

It's difficult for me to pin down exactly why, but I think it's a combination of factors, like in most cases where a single root cannot be found.

I don't know if I want to deal with the new, with having to start over because it's very tiring having to learn for more than one, to remember details not because of interest but, because of the testing later. I don't like the judgment, the inescapable feelings of inadequacy and inexperience and inflexibility, particularly when reminded of one's position – pardon the pun.

I miss my old, invisible spot at the back when all there was to being there was art for its sake.

Yet, upon further introspection, I realised that this focus on the ephemeral, on fleeting feelings and the negatives is rooted in forgetting the very reasons I began with. I never meant it to be for people or their expectations.

I began because it was beautiful and I wanted to imbibe a bit of that wonder. Time and opportunity have been kind and as I grew, so did the realisation that this was something with which I could honour Him.

Where did that go?

I think I need, as Scout mentioned in devotions the other day, to go back to the heart of worship or rather, to bring worship back to the heart of work. Matters become too empty and too trying otherwise.

Now let's see if I remember that in dance class tomorrow.